Navy Update and Arrr!Pirates

I know many of you have been wondering what's going on with this Navy processing of mine and I want you to know that my application was OFFICIALLY SUBMITTED TODAY.

I should be sitting before the boards in January and, pending Congressional approval, will go to Officer Candidate School in Feb/March.

IF I am not selected to become a Commissioned Officer in the U.S. Navy I did complete my 2010 registration for the Foreign Service Officer Test. Again. Much to my chagrin. Happily it only took 40 minutes, and not the 3 hours it took last year because I had a print out of last year's in my desk. (Pack rat 1 - Cleaning people 0)

NOW, if you've been following my Naval aspirations then you know that my dream Navy job is to work off of the East African Coast doing Intelligence for Pirate Hunters. I even planned my own TV Show, with Kathleen:
Ensign Aly, Pirate Hunter
with a theme song...
"Bum de da da Pirate Hunter!
Bum de da da, on the sea!
Bum de da da Pirate Hunter!
Keeps the world safe for you and me!"

Yeah. ANYWAY, my computer shows the top 20 headlines from the day's news. Today, #10 was: "Some in crew blame captain for pirate attack."

Pirate story!? *click*

Okay let's read the story together and then come back and discuss. So everyone go here and read THE ARTICLE.

You liked that, right? Okay so we're gonna break it down:

Let's start with the photo and the caption. Firstly, NICE HAT, Captain Phillips. Are you winking? I can't tell if your eyes are open or closed. HEY! Maybe that's why you didn't see those pirates coming!

Caption:

The former captain of the Maersk Alabama, Richard Phillips, listens to a question during a Nov. 19 news conference in Norfolk, Va. The lifeboat from which he was rescued is on display behind him.

He LISTENS to questions. He doesn't answer them. You can't say Captain Phillips isn't a good listener.

Alright so the first paragraph basically says, he was taken captive, so he's a hero, even though he was kinda told not to go there, so he's also kind of a douche. Oh and it wasn't just one warning, it was like 7 warnings. Let's simulate that, shall we?

Hey, Capt. Phillips,
Don't go there. Don't go there.
Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there.
Don't go there. Don't go there.
Best of luck,
The maritime safety group peeps

"If you go to the grocery store and eight people get mugged on that street, wouldn't you go a different way?" said the ship's navigator, Ken Quinn, of Tampa, Fla.

YES, YES I WOULD. In fact, Even though I am the President of the Upper Orange Street Block Watch*, I would MOVE.

The rationale for sailing in the "pirate zone" was to conserve fuel. So I want to know how much they were going to SAVE versus how much it cost to save his butt from the pirates.

Company spokesman Kevin Speers would say only that the Maersk Alabama operated in "high-risk waters quite frequently, and that is part of the considerations that we take in putting together vessel security plans."

Good thinking, Kevin. Ships that operate in dangerous waters should have security plans... Hey Kev, have you met my friend Captain Obvious? I think he has lots of idea on how you can protect your ships. Like um... LISTEN TO THE WARNINGS, and er... KEEP TO THE 600 MILE SAFETY AREA.

Now this is what confuses me: "[the]Crew [were] unaware of advisories" BUT WAIT! I just read that "Four of the 20 crew members told the AP that they blame Phillips for the hijacking." Huh. So really the crew don't know why they got attacked by pirates, but when in doubt, just blame management.

Related Article: Admiral: Sea too large to stop all pirate attacks... Dude, THEY ALL COME FROM SOMALIA. MAYBE, now I'm just throwing this out there, MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT SOMALIA NOT HAVING ANY INFRASTRUCTURE.

Best quote: "It's a big ocean. To stay 600 miles away, it's kind of hard to do, at some point. There's a limit to what they could reasonably do." Wait... You just said it was a big ocean. So... it should be EASY to stay away. Don't be cheap.

Best advice ever: If we look at this here GIANT MAP OF PIRATE ATTACKS, we can plainly see that YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE A BOAT ANYWHERE THERE.

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya

*Upper Orange Street Block Watch was formerly known as the East Rock Block Watch. Please stayed tuned for a funny block watch article involving a missing chicken.

Recruiter Vs. My Mom: Round 1

As some of you may know I intend on joining the U.S. Navy as a commissioned officer.

So my recruiter came to the house today to have me sign some paperwork. And she met my mother. If ever I needed motivation for suicide... ha ha ha... ha ha ha kidding!

...

Now For those of you who have met my mother, you know she is sometimes not so good with "the people." Especially the people she thinks may be conservative. So firstly, instead of knowing how to address Chief Juliet Snell, NCC Navy Recruiter NRD New England, she called her "girlfriend." As in "girlfriend! What are all those buttons for?" (by buttons she was referring to Chief Snell's 12 Naval Medals, including a distinguished service ribbon, a good conduct ribbon, a global war on terrorism medal, and a humanitarian service medal for her work during both Katrina and some flooding somewhere. That's 12 not including duplicates. 20 years of service and my mom calls her "girlfriend."

Oh and my mom tries to get Chief Snell to let my mother wear her hat. Which I just have to say was ENTIRELY DISTRACTING while I'm signing paperwork. So distracting in fact, that I misspelled MY OWN NAME. TWICE. Yeah, devastated.

Enjoy my pathetic life! I can only hope the Navy takes pity on me by making me an officer candidate after putting me through so much paperwork. I mean, I have a recommendation from a United Nations Ambassador. My application does kind of kick ass.

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya

Citizen Canoe Guide

Since I have no job, I decided to spend some time volunteering for the Park's Department and the City of New Haven as a "Citizen Volunteer" Canoe Guide. Mostly this is because they offered free lessons. The lessons were a good way for me to get a work out, and be away from my mom. That's called multitasking. What follows is a "Connecticut Adventure."

Saturday was a busy day filled with information about kinds of oar strokes, safety instructions, and the ways in which people can die while enjoying a seemingly pleasant canoe ride.

-People get drunk and fall into the water and drown.
-Or they pee over the side and the canoe flips cause it's to much weight on one side and they drown (Martin, the head of "fun park activities and sports" for New Haven, or whatever, who taught us [I swear he was real] said that this is "something men do because they don't know how dangerous it is" and the only other male in the group added, "because men are stupid." to which I say in my head, "... Oh you've met my ex-boyfriend. Excellent.")
-Or they go fishing and get hooked on something and the canoe flips, and they drown.
-Or it's a nice day and they canoe with their best friend who accidentally hits them in the head with an oar and they get knocked unconscious and they drown.
-Or the weather turns and they go over rapids and they tumble out of the canoe and the water is cold and they get hypothermia and they drown...
-Or they bring their puppy in the canoe, and it starts barking and freaking out with all the water. So the swans nearby freak out and one of them starts chasing the dog in the boat, and the dog goes nuts and jumps out of the boat, and then to save the dog and the owner jumps out, and the boat is floating away, and the owner nearly drowns while trying to help the dog who nearly drowns because the swan just keeps pecking away like in "The Birds"... you know... true story.

So maybe mostly it's the water that kills them, not the canoe, but you can't canoe on land, that's called... digging a hole with an oar from a boat.

... No seriously guys, you can DIE. Wear a flotation device. And no drinking while canoing. And no dogs in boats. Srsly, if you need a seeing eye dog, you have to call ahead to the Park's Dept.

My abs hurt from rowing. This is because I learned how to row properly, which apparently involves my abs and back more than my shoulders. My knees also hurt, but that was because the front of the boat is tiny, and when I sat for three hours with my legs pressing into the gunwales (pronounced gunnels...cause it's British.. I kid you not) I got matching bruises on the side of my knees. It's cool though cause they make me look tough.

As a particularly adventurous person, I was one of two people willing to be the "helpless capsized victims who needed rescuing." So Becky and I paddled into the middle of the Mill River and capsized (fun!) and treaded in 7 feet of water until the other people took turns rescuing us. What is so legendary about this is that in the 18 years I lived across the street from this park, and no more than 500 yards from this river, THAT was the first time I ever swam in it. It's not one of those rivers you swim in. It's brackish (gross/salty), murky, rocky, and might have things like snapping turtles, leeches, rusty things, bite-y fish, sharp stuff, and like... cancer. Basically I took a good shower when I got home. BUT I feel really quite satisfied with having been in the river. My life was missing something and now I have completed that thing on the check list. It's a beautiful river, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to touch the bottom of it.

I also was the only participant to wear a skirt. I wore a skirt because I knew I was going to have to get wet, and by wearing a wrap skirt I could easily disrobe into the bathing suit I wore underneath. It was probably the best thing I could have worn actually and I'll do it again. Yeah, you got it, I'm gonna be THAT canoe guide who wears skirts. The white shirt I wore over the black bathing suit on the other hand may not have been the best plan... Nor was the OTHER white shirt I brought to change into when I got wet and needed dry clothes.

Good news is I learned from this experience.

More good news is I got an orange Coast Guard whistle and as a result feel pretty legit about being a canoe guide.

If you want to see me "in action" you can come to the Friends of East Rock Park event on June 13th and help clean up the park, eat food, and come for a canoe ride with me as your canoe guide... IF YOU DARE! Because as we all now know, Canoing is a deadly sport. No for serious. Canoing kills. So do it properly.

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya

P.S. The photos were taken this past autumn, but the first is the bridge right next to the canoe launch, and the second is RIGHT WHERE I took my little dip in the river! In the middle of that calm area there.

P.S.S. See the island in the second photo? We practiced turns around that island for about two hours. That's the closest I think I've ever gotten to it except maybe when I was little and went canoing with my family with canoe guides (they were so cool! and now I'M COOL! or... um... not... whichever really. Eye of the beholder!) POINT IS: When I was a little girl... let's go with... ages 4-10 I wanted to build a house on that island when I grew up.

P.S.S.S. I still kinda want to build a house on that island now that I've seen it up close.

"Macaroni" and "Cheese"

Landmark event: I ate boxed macaroni and cheese for the first time today. Okay, fine, technically, it was "organic white cheese and shell pasta" BUT the cheese was in powdered form so it TOTALLY COUNTS. It tasted a lot like... a cream sauce that hadn't been cooked properly, mixed with tiny shell pasta, mixed with dreams. It was an adventure for my taste buds.

Yes, I admit, I may be an elitist snob and you may hate me already. But if you could for one second not take yourself so seriously, you could ponder that there is something distinctly American about a food whose entire concept it based on it's ability to congeal between the time you mix it with milk and you put it on your spoon.

For reasons I can't explain I have been craving a food I have never tasted for about three weeks. Macaroni and cheese. Unfortunately, my local small grocery store only had this organic stuff when I was kinda hoping for some sort of 400 calorie a serving, 2-minute, microwavable thing, where they trick you with the serving sizes. You know... you buy a box and you think it's 400 calories for the box, but the box serves four. Just like a pint of Ben and Jerry's... and contrary to logic this in no way deters you from purchasing the item one bit despite the fact that eating the entire thing will give you a massive food coma.

Mmmmm food coma...

The thing about food cravings like this is that once you fulfill them you are left wondering what brought it about. There isn't much left after you are satisfied. When you crave a material object like an article of clothing and save up until finally after long last you purchase it, at least you walk away with that item. You have something to show for the craving, for the process of craving. But sating a food craving leaves you merely less hungry for food in that moment, and more hungry for an new craving.

Furthermore, by putting off such a simple craving like boxed macaroni and cheese for what turned out to be 23 years, I find myself wanting to experience other Americana experiences that I've missed: go to a county fair, drive a car, listen to bluegrass, eat grits, corndogs, chicken fried steak, flap jacks and maybe even chitlins (probably not chitlins), ride in a hot-air balloon, paint-ball something, sing "American Pie" with other people.

Part of my craving for America must to be coming from the repressing of my American background for so long while I've lived abroad. My need to fit into other cultures has overwhelmed my true heritage. In truth, my family members, particularly my father have never defined themselves as "American" so much as "Academic" or "Citizens of the world." When people ask me where I am from, I say, "all over," because I feel connected to so many different places, cultures and countries even though I hold only a U.S. passport.

I think the only thing left to say is, there was ziti, les pâtes, lo mein, ravioli, gnocchi, rice noodles, pad thai, wheat pasta, Kenyan pasta, couscous, lasagna, spaghetti, penne, rice (and all it's variations), fusilli, alphabet pasta, baked shells, orzo, soba noodles, and a hundred different shapes and sizes and sauces.

And for one time only there was the one and only, the infamous, the boxed and packaged and prepared, the American:

Macaroni and Cheese.

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya

P.S. Not only did I fall into a food coma after eating my "macaroni" and "cheese" meal, I also weigh two pounds more today. Despite these facts, I feel as though I need to do it right: I need a real macaroni and cheese taste test.

Forced Donating = Stealing/ Fancy Interactive Blog

My mother told me I had to donate clothes and shoes today. I am under the assumption that she is doing this to make her feel better about her spending money during the recession and also because she feels like she has too much stuff, but refuses to clean out her own closet. She has four closets filled with clothes she will never wear again, and yet I have to donate?

Does that make sense to anyone? Didn't think so.

It's not that I'm not happy to give away clothes that I won't be wearing, but I want to do it on my own terms. I dislike micromanagement overseen by hypocrites. Let me quickly move away from this issue before I pop a blood vessel, cause being unemployed means I don't have health insurance. (hint hint President Obama *_^)

In other news, I've been trading with TDAmeritrade, which can be a fickle broker and lags on my orders considerably, considering that it's all presumably AUTOMATED.

Yesterday I put in an order for a stock, Adventrx Pharmaceuticals (Ticker: ANX). For about two hours that day the stock was at my buy in price and the order didn't go through. I called customer service twice and they said the equivalent of, "your order is too small for us to care and you're at the back of the line." Well... They definitely said the second part, and it felt like the first part too. Needless to say, it was an adventure in navigating bureaucracy. I also found it amusing that everyone's name was particularly bland American. I spoke to "Matthew" and "Branden" and "Elizabeth." Would I feel less comfortable talking to an ethnic sounding name? Go ponder. They were in "Ft Worth." Yep... Ft Worth, India.

Today, after another THREE hours of the stock being at my buy in price my order went through: 1165 shares for 13 cents each. Yay! For those of you who don't have a calculator on you that's $151.45.

You can all have fun watching this stock too, and seeing if I made a good call or a bad call. (And now this blog is INTERACTIVE! ooooooo fancy)

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya

Devastating Spam

When I was 14 I created a Yahoo account. I therefore have a yahoo email address. As a result, whenever I am on messenger, all the emails that I receive pop up in the corner of my screen with a little *ding*.

I never give this email address out and so usually they are spam. No, they are ALWAYS spam. I will be chatting away and then suddenly a little *ding* noise will sound and at the bottom of my screen with show "New email alert!, From: Suzy Q, Subject: Come make sexy time with me!" or something offering "Free pills FOREVER!" or "Want to Make 41 MILLION DOLLARS in Two Days?" to which I say, "um... yes please! Wait... you almost had me Nigerian scammers."

The reason why today's emailing scam was so heartbreaking is because lately, I've been networking in Connecticut regional chatrooms with my yahoo email address. I know... lame. Whatever, it could work.


Today I get this email, the most dastardly email ever. "New email alert!, From: Michael Vincent, Subject: ALYSON, I found you a new job."

I get immediately excited and rush to my inbox because I think that even though I don't know a "Michael Vincent" I must have networked with him in some chatroom at some point. No surprise, it is yet another scam to do those survey things online where you pay like 40$ to learn how to do surveys that end up not paying you any money. Does anyone ever wonder who originally came up with that idea? Think about how many times you have been asked to do a survey for free over the phone. Do you really think people are gonna pay you $75 for 15 minutes for your opinion? It's not a medical study. Come on people.

You know what my favorite part of this ad was? It wasn't the claim that I could "Ear $150,000+ from your place" filling out surveys online. It was the claim that one of ONLY TWO listed benefits of this job was the ability to "spend more time with your family." Yeah... They clearly haven't met my family. I want a job so I can move as far away as possible from my family. The other benefit kind of made no sense, "start making more immediately." I assume they meant money, but at the same time, this also assumes I already have a job. Even the subject of the email already assumes I HAVE a job, "ALYSON, I found you a new job."

What was even more quality about this email was that after "start making money from home" there was an asterisk, as if there was a special term or condition that needed to be explained, but no asterisk anywhere in the rest of the five line email to explain what those terms or conditions were.

Alas, despite my 3 minutes of hope, because that is how long it takes to log into Yahoo email, I am still unemployed.

What an adventure that was.

Thanks for reading and best regards,
Alya